How to Tame your Advice Monster

Michael Bungay Stanier's TED Talk "How to Tame Your Advice Monster" addresses the common tendency to give advice rather than truly listening and engaging in conversations. Stanier introduces the concept of the "Advice Monster," which manifests in three personas: "Tell It," "Save It," and "Control It.

"These personas drive us to provide advice prematurely, often leading to solving the wrong problems, overestimating the quality of our advice, and diminishing the confidence and autonomy of those we aim to help.

Stanier argues that while giving advice is not inherently negative, it becomes problematic when it is our default response. This habitual advice-giving can lead to several issues:

• Solving the Wrong Problem: We often address the first problem that arises, which is rarely the real issue.
• Overestimating Our Advice: We tend to believe our advice is more valuable than it actually is, influenced by cognitive biases.
• Undermining Others: Frequent advice-giving can make others feel incapable of solving their problems, which impacts their self-confidence and autonomy.

To tame the Advice Monster, Stanier suggests shifting from giving advice to fostering curiosity. He recommends asking three key questions to guide conversations:

1. "What is the real challenge here for you?" This helps uncover the core issue rather than surface-level problems.

2. "What else? This encourages deeper thinking, as the first answer is often incomplete.

3. "What do you want? Clarifying desires empowers individuals to take action with confidence and autonomy.

By adopting a more curious mindset and asking these questions, we can support others in finding their own solutions, enhancing their confidence and ability to navigate challenges independently. This approach not only improves communication but also builds stronger, more empathetic relationships.